December 2011
154 posts
DR. UNA: you, too, can make a self-diagnosis
- Thirsty: diabetes so untreated/advanced that you'll have to have all your limbs amputated within a week.
- Pee is dark: you aren't dehydrated (see previous diagnosis), it's actually blood. Possibly from Ebola.
- Confusion: it's the prions finally catching up with you.
- Headache: aneurysm. Or mini-stroke. Or prions.
- Hungry: tapeworm
- Any spot anywhere: cancer, or a tick, or a cancertick
- A red spot: your mattress must be 75% bedbugs
- knee hurts: you need knee surgery now. It's pretty urgent.
- Armpit itches: scabies so bad you'll have to torch the house
- Cut that is slightly red/itchy: brown recluse spider. Or MRSA. Or the mythical MRSpider
- teeth hurt: Your skeleton is falling out. Any remaining scrap of youth is falling away. There is no hope. You will continue disintegrating at a faster rate than your bills could ever be paid.
And I’m sorry the things I touch I always damage. And I’m sorry I always feel like I can’t manage to stop the fuckers chewing through the plastic. They’re gonna do me in. But I can’t complain. I’ve got a bed I can crawl into. I’ve got a bottle for the pain. I’ve got a window shade I can pull it down when the sky fills up with clouds and it looks like rain. I can’t complain.
